SVUCSI

I feel like a shitty detective.
You know, with all the mystery shows I watch you'd think I could be better at this. Apparently you need an outside view to get the good view in. It's funny how the little things haunt you, make you wonder- the puzzles with missing pieces.. you'll destroy your room looking for them, but you won't find them till months later (like the second slipper I almost went Mad looking for).
But I should be able, to find that person. Be able to know. But I guess they probably have the same fear I do- a fear of the end. Of an answer, we might be searching for- but get a little freaked out about once it's near. It's those kinds of fears that stop destiny, your path, your loves from growing, your ambitions from becoming reality.
The fear of being too close to the truth.
No more fears. I want to take life on- by the horns.
And see where I am when I end up on my feet

ok. so things seem a little slow. a little alot slow.
everything is. and its weird.
usually there's a balance of good and bad- but right now the balance is even
and it's also on the floor.
no one's good
no one's bad

everything just is.
and its weird.

so now i guess i just wait.
for the other shoe to fall, the next act of impatience, drama, cries from the night. and whatever else is around the bend.
i should be enjoying the steady stream, and laying out getting some sun. who knows when then next bump will hit, lets be greatful for the steady stream instead of questioning its means.
breath deep, lay out. let love be.

and just be me.

my throat hurts. good thing it seems i have nothing to say.

Life is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move on.

Hallelujah

My faith is strong, but I feel like I just need a little proof.
A sign, a whisper, and lightning BOLT.
That puts me back in my seat....

I'll always be grateful- I can always look into the night sky and blow a kiss in thanks for the wonder that is my life. But where is it?!
Where's that moment
that moment that straps me to my chair, cuts my hair and kisses me hard.
I know that love isn't a victory march, it's cold and broken. It's been cold and broken for  2 years now.

What si the opposite of Hallelujah? I need an opposite that's not a curse- no "fuck" or Christ' name in vain. I need a new word that can describe the disbelief I have been in since this year begun.
The disbelief in the time that's past
The Disbelief in my location. Age. LIfe. MIND. and the incredible DISBELIEF in the status of my heart.
still cracked.

and since I can't find the right glue to seal the spots where cold air is seeping through I've built a fence.
In hopes that the lack of light and damp quarters can give me time to think.
But I've been in this room for too long.
And I think it's time.
Time to go.

So I'll leave you for now, I'll be back when I'm better- like I said,
I still have faith.
I just need to go out there.
And, well.

Prove it.

To myself.

Hallelujah