Hallelujah

My faith is strong, but I feel like I just need a little proof.
A sign, a whisper, and lightning BOLT.
That puts me back in my seat....

I'll always be grateful- I can always look into the night sky and blow a kiss in thanks for the wonder that is my life. But where is it?!
Where's that moment
that moment that straps me to my chair, cuts my hair and kisses me hard.
I know that love isn't a victory march, it's cold and broken. It's been cold and broken for  2 years now.

What si the opposite of Hallelujah? I need an opposite that's not a curse- no "fuck" or Christ' name in vain. I need a new word that can describe the disbelief I have been in since this year begun.
The disbelief in the time that's past
The Disbelief in my location. Age. LIfe. MIND. and the incredible DISBELIEF in the status of my heart.
still cracked.

and since I can't find the right glue to seal the spots where cold air is seeping through I've built a fence.
In hopes that the lack of light and damp quarters can give me time to think.
But I've been in this room for too long.
And I think it's time.
Time to go.

So I'll leave you for now, I'll be back when I'm better- like I said,
I still have faith.
I just need to go out there.
And, well.

Prove it.

To myself.

Hallelujah