Tuesday, June 22, 2010

my love note to New York City (circa 2009)

if i could tell you what i was thinking now.
it'd go like this;

im happy
thank you

this world i live in today is amazing, and though the company changes, and people must walk away i am still in love. but heres the problem.

i love someone else, i know it hurts to hear but this is the only way to stay true to whom i am- by staying true to you
i love someone else,

someone who makes me happy when i wake up, and happy to know that im extremely tired at the end of the day.

im so happy to hear the daily buzzle, the snow shuffled, and the sub running by.

my heart stops everytime i've reached a new limit and i cant think of why the HELL im not with you.
so i pray, i pray so hards that i can hold it in, find something new to take up my time, and breathe deep as i watch the days go by.

bc i want you, just you, everything else that might come along with it- is just a bonus, please, just let me be, LET IT BE

my heart,








i miss you,



love
csm*

my mess

here's me... a lil bit of it

I try to have the best of both worlds.
I CAN have my cake and eat it too, but i dont really like sweets- so i'll just have a bite. :)

I'm the kind of girl who can take down a man, forgive a man, love a man, break a man, make a man then
Lift him back up again
I'm strong but I can be needy when all I need is to be happy,
and believe it or not- I'll be happy either way- my world, your world, or their world
Usually Humble but greedy when I know what I want

And based on my body language,
You'll know it when you've loved it.

My style is quite selective, only those with big dreams, and stars in their eyes make it into my world.. and those people are great.. but you already knew that-
you're one of them.

though my mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

this really is what happiness is. believe it.


And if you know me well you don't mind my nerve, cause you could call it all fiction
inside im crying
but you knew that too
cause my body language suggests it

Although I am biased I love everyone's advice
My comebacks are quick and can sometimes hurt

no bad words, no bad tongues, just the kinda truth that hurts
And probably have to do with your insecurities

I have no shame in being crazy, or being the reason you don't want to leave
cause your too happy with me

Depending on how you take these words I'm paraphrasing, and the life you'd like to live, we can end everyday in happily ever after.

its messy, yes it is
but its me
and all i can do is hope they''ll always like it.

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures we'll all continue to grow with our roots ever intertwined through the core of the earth
across the coast, under the ocean, and reflecting off the stars.

we might tare our dresses and stain our shirts
But its nice today.
And the wait was so worth it.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

constant love

Just a little over two years ago, if you would of used the words "in love" as a definition towards your feelings for me-well- I would of said
"Impossible."
I fought for three years with someone about the meaning of those words.. in love, wow I would have laughed. After three years of blaming those words for my misery, hating those words for their lack of truth and constant disapointment- how could I ever understand them?
It felt like they had lost all meaning, and the thought of trying to utter them aloud- was more a claim to hell then heaven.

If I were to prick my finger right now, would it bleed?
Of course it would, because we as humans are sensitive beings, we lack the hard exterior skelton and thus a sharp object could tare at our outer layer and cause a spillage of cells. The good thing about our exterior is it's ability to heal in time.
And like our skin- our minds no matter how tampered and betrayed by meaning and action, can heal- with time. I might have hated the term in love for quite a while, the words mocked me, mocked my life choices and made my mind cringe in annoyance and anger. The worst being, the words did nothing for my heart.

But like my outer soft layers time -and a stretch of land between myself and angers past- began to heal, and though my heart still has a hard time feeling for the words- my mind has made room for a new definition.

in love;
I'm in love.
I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in LOVE. 
No, really. I am.
I'm in love with the people that surround my life, no matter how far or close. I'm in love with the colors of the spring and the wind between the skyscrapers. I'm in love with the view..
God. I am in love with the view, and no matter how many times I visit it, or how many different ways I can see, I am still in love with the view.
It's like seeing the sunset for the first time, with new eyes, a new heart and a new mind.
It's an involuntary sigh, because- take a deep breath.
It's all mine.

I'm in love with the fact that I found love. I found love! In my heart, in my soul, in my core.
And as this world is my witness, I'll never let it go again.
Never let anyone take this feeling from you- and I promise you, ever now and again someone will. No matter their intention or not, good or bad. People are people and there might come a day you can't find it anymore, and the amount of time it takes you to get it back, no one can replace.

So keep hope, keep strong. Be that overly bright bulb in the room- because there is no need to feel alone, with there is so much to love in this world.

Don't wait for love- go love something on your own.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Family

There are certain people that share your DNA, and then there's family.
When your nearing the end of an era- it's only normal to deny it. So you'll make little steps towards the corners of the playground but you convince yourself "its doesn't mean I'm going to step out". The funny thing is there's nobody to literally pull you by your arms out of the sand box- only you can do that. 
You can sit there till your completely alone- shit you can sit there till the new group of kids come in, but in your heart and mind- you'll always know its not the same.

So there's a few ways to deal with this moment, say nothing and sneak out in the middle of the night (like i did), make a big parade of your new comings and warn everyone on a daily of 'the change that will be coming' or sit and wait for the next best thing, and be happy with that.
Because the simplicities of not having to choose, not having to grow up can have its amenities. For example, a bliss that only the ignorance of your age and current state of mind can give you- perfection in the ability to just 'not think about it'. Or my favorite- procrastination. Because unlike that shitty math class we all hated, procrastinating in your life decisions don't have a 'final exam' point where you get your shit together or fail- the procrastination you so undoubtedly are aware of in your life will only lead to-well. more of what you already got. and thats not alot.

So we fight it, disagree with it, run from it, and most of the time- just ignore it. conscienceless awaiting for someone to pull us from the arm out of it. but like I said, no ones going to do that for you- you can only do it for yourself.

When the days go by with me not moving from a 5 foot radius of my bed I can't help to think back and wonder what it would be like if I never left that box. Well, I'd still have all of you. But it wouldn't be the same, like trying to bring someone back to life that has been decaying in the ground for a few years now- nothing would be the same.

My dad loves to randomly ask me "so would you ever come back?" the first and constant thought in my mind is "back to what?" 
An era is defined as a long period of time delimited to a start event and an end event, I think though the end event is still different for all of us, the start is something we could all agree on. 
The love that made us a family, a family we cried with, loved with, grew with- and eventually began to grow with out. 
The great thing about a family is no matter where we are or how long its been since our last talk- we'll always be a family. And if the memories begin to fade, or replaced with the new- the faces will never change and our hearts will always have a place for the start and end of this era. 

It just makes the reunions something to talk about.

with all my love, to those people i love. 
my family.

The Perfect Date.

Lets describe a phenomenon, that day you could never possibly imagine. Because before it happens-well.
It's raining. Lightly. Not enough to break your concentration, because the only thing you can think of is "I'm smiling too much".
You loose track you know- of the dates- because when they come hoe to you after work, and Christmas morning waking up together, their all dates. Dates in time, in life and in love.
It's suppose to be a hurricane, but the only thing resembling a hurricane is is that moment before your hands break hold and they pull you in like a gust of wind bringing your bodies to an embrace.
Then a kiss.

It's always been my favorite part. Its sorta become a test, if I try to run, will he hold on tighter?
The first big fight, that's a great date- when your both about to bust out in tears and someone says something you could of never guessed
You're my best friend.
And whatever happens next doesn't matter because the fight was over the minute you knew you cared too much to want to fight a second more.
Then the first time you make love. That's similar to the first look, you've been eying each other all day but this time, this time somethings different- it's like you can feel it happening in slow motion, out-of-body because you can't only feel your expressions you can see them mirrored in your partners face.
Sound has stopped and all movement feels... involuntary. Magic.

In the past year I have realized how little the uttered words I love you really are, the words are never said in the moment they come to existence- sometimes their never said at all, but that doesn't mean they didn't exist. You know it, inside- and no lack of or over drawn use of the words can take that away from anyone.

Then there's the date you'll call the last.
The one you'll replay for so long you eventually forget the words and all you can feel when it crosses your mind is a break in that heart of yours thats already been through so much your mind erased the words in hopes to prevent any further damage.
And for a while you'll believe it was the last, till that day you feel your heart in your throat and the world slows down- like it did the day you loved me. Sound fades to a white a noise in a matter of a blink.
And with that blink your breath weakens and knees buckle.
You don't speak because-well.
And even if you never see each other again, you'll still have dates- when something reminds you of their smell, or your mind is filing events and drops a memory of the two of you on your eyelids by mistake, all it takes is a blink- before you're right there on another date.

The perfect date is only available to those who can look at life through a blink of an eye, knowing that through out your life you'll have more dates then you can file, and more love than you can recognize.

So what's your favorite date with me?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

SVUCSI

I feel like a shitty detective.
You know, with all the mystery shows I watch you'd think I could be better at this. Apparently you need an outside view to get the good view in. It's funny how the little things haunt you, make you wonder- the puzzles with missing pieces.. you'll destroy your room looking for them, but you won't find them till months later (like the second slipper I almost went Mad looking for).
But I should be able, to find that person. Be able to know. But I guess they probably have the same fear I do- a fear of the end. Of an answer, we might be searching for- but get a little freaked out about once it's near. It's those kinds of fears that stop destiny, your path, your loves from growing, your ambitions from becoming reality.
The fear of being too close to the truth.
No more fears. I want to take life on- by the horns.
And see where I am when I end up on my feet
ok. so things seem a little slow. a little alot slow.
everything is. and its weird.
usually there's a balance of good and bad- but right now the balance is even
and it's also on the floor.
no one's good
no one's bad

everything just is.
and its weird.

so now i guess i just wait.
for the other shoe to fall, the next act of impatience, drama, cries from the night. and whatever else is around the bend.
i should be enjoying the steady stream, and laying out getting some sun. who knows when then next bump will hit, lets be greatful for the steady stream instead of questioning its means.
breath deep, lay out. let love be.

and just be me.
my throat hurts. good thing it seems i have nothing to say.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Life is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move on.

Hallelujah

My faith is strong, but I feel like I just need a little proof.
A sign, a whisper, and lightning BOLT.
That puts me back in my seat....

I'll always be grateful- I can always look into the night sky and blow a kiss in thanks for the wonder that is my life. But where is it?!
Where's that moment
that moment that straps me to my chair, cuts my hair and kisses me hard.
I know that love isn't a victory march, it's cold and broken. It's been cold and broken for  2 years now.

What si the opposite of Hallelujah? I need an opposite that's not a curse- no "fuck" or Christ' name in vain. I need a new word that can describe the disbelief I have been in since this year begun.
The disbelief in the time that's past
The Disbelief in my location. Age. LIfe. MIND. and the incredible DISBELIEF in the status of my heart.
still cracked.

and since I can't find the right glue to seal the spots where cold air is seeping through I've built a fence.
In hopes that the lack of light and damp quarters can give me time to think.
But I've been in this room for too long.
And I think it's time.
Time to go.

So I'll leave you for now, I'll be back when I'm better- like I said,
I still have faith.
I just need to go out there.
And, well.

Prove it.

To myself.

Hallelujah

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Time to Kill

Let's talk about something I'm not getting... oh yea, hm.


I made this amazing cake the other day, my roomate said he had to lock himself in his room so that he wouldn't keep going back to the kitchen to have another bite. That's how I currently feel about drinking...


I know exactly how it will happen;
I'll ask you to drinks, because today- a nice martini might calm these nerves, but since all I can think about is that bite I want- we'll probably go for some beers. You see, when we're drinking beer I can concentrate on the bite, with out loosing my stare. So we'll have a beer, then it'll start. The questions that get too close, the laughter the brings us to touch and the second beer that makes me want to run my fingers down your arm as you ask me lets play a game.
You'll run for the next drinks as I cross my legs in hopes to keep still, I'll twirl my hair and bite my lip in attempts to stay sane, and when you return the smile I'll bare will explain it all- and yours will match in anticipation.
I wish I could continue but the rules are up to you, so I'll wait in the most patience my body will allow, for the longest amount of time I can possibly bare, and I'll watch for your move in the humidity of my own desire.
Times up.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Not sure what to say yet.. Got it.
The last time I had a Secret Admirer I was fourteen, freshmen year of High School- I knew who it was. Alex Rodriguez, we were best friends and I didn't feel the same. Right after High School he met this super sweet girl and married promptly after- I think he was the first in our class to get married, and last to loose his virginity.
 I must say, it couldn't of come at a better time. Sitting in bed yesterday finally relaxing after an early morning of doing my hair, baking cupcakes (new recipe), cleaning the house, and organizing my work for Monday I come to find that the person that broke me, has now fully replaced me.
I can't even describe the lack of air, gasping and literal break down I had in the span of 5 seconds. And while everyone was busy with their families I cried to myself. Till I saw it, "Anonymous said..."  I starred at it for a little bit in disbelief, how could I be crying my eyes out for something that was happening a thousand miles away when I have the world at my feet. 
This winter was so long, and the grey of it was still smeared on my back, but now the Spring has sprung and I do feel like I'm in technicolor. High Def. 

I don't want to be BROKEN anymore.
Please... everytime I feel great, something drags me back there. And I realize how broken I still am.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hott Child in the City

The iphone has really revolutionized my writing, it's 1am and I can be in a tunnel, write, then copy and paste it to my facebook when I get on the bus. Or I can just rant while I'm in a taxi- either way my raw emotions end up splattered on facebook till the next morning when I contemplate taking it down- or not.
But now, that I have this spot BNBC (bright lights big city) allows me to keep the rants on facebook, and more clearly compose my thoughts the next day- or copy and paste perfect thoughts the next day.

With a perfect 64 degrees out yesterday, I ransacked the back of my closest till I found them, all of them.
My shorts. I pulled and pulled till I could get one on that didn't feel like it would rip off if I happened to want to sit down last night, and then accessorized so perfectly I was scared of getting raped.
My new Calvin Klein black have fabric half shiny heels were the perfect topping to this Miami girls perfect clubbing outfit.
But to my dismay arriving at Opia, I knew things would be tough. Seb and his friends where on the this little terrace about 3 feet deep and 5 feet wide, definitive not a spot to hang out in but more of a open window for fresh air- but they attempted to make it a spot. I was already displaced seeing that another body didn't fit in the little space and no one seemed to want to try. I finally met Ben- the infamous Ben whom used to live with my best friends Jennifer and Nico, where he met his now wife Erica (who was stuck on a plane, but would later join us).
After much pushing, I was able to convince Seb to go to the bar with me once that little terrace spot started to attract smokers- though I am positive that by NEWYORK STATE LAW that spot is not big enough, or far enough away from the dinning experience to be allotted a "smokers spot" which really pisted me off- since my hair now smells of smoke. I even took a picture of the "No Smoking" sign next to the bar where I could still smell the smoke perfectly!
By this time Seb was trying to change the subject to his favorite line- the one thing he always finds a way of asking me when we find ourselves at a bar alone.
So what is it that you want? Are you looking for something casual? Dating? A boyfriend? Tell me about yourself, because I feel I can never figure it out.
 Truth be told- I don't make it easy to "figure out" probably because I don't see what I want.
Then I figured it out;
I want to know I'm important, this isn't High School where your girlfriend means the world to you- but mom says you have to be home by midnight- this is officially my life. And with that in mind- I want to be a major part in someone else's life, like I would like someone special to be major in mine. And though it's easily said and poetically written it's hard to find- which is why looking is such a disaster.
The best approach I have found is enjoy what I have now to its full extent and when it happens- let it happen.
But, and this is a big but, it's not gonna happen with the guy that prefers to always invite his friends out when we go out, or the guy that's never said "hey let's go to dinner-just me and you" or the guy that thinks visiting my place is not an option because leaving the island-is not an option.
I don't know what he'll look like (tall or short) or what he'll sound like (foreign or usa) or even why I'll love him...
But I do know, they'll be dinners, movies, picnics, he'll want to be front row and center when I accomplish my list of place to go and goals to reach. Through colds, and coughs, and trips through Queens all week long. And I'll want to be their for his.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The List

Here are the things that after 6 months of non-stop working, I was not able to find time for;

  • broadway play
  • coney island (waiting for the fair to open)
  • country bar
  • the metropolitan museum
  • yankees game
  • anything in madison square garden
  • museum of natural history
  • ground zero
  • kareoke
  • sake bombs
that's it. for now, lets see what I can start checking off.
;)
I might need a camera.

things from my mouth.. with quotes around it.

"we’ll continue to be hopeful in our endevors, risk our hearts to the curiousity that widens our eyes in the darkness and helps us see through the pain. and when the curtain draws near and the answers start to appear we’ll touch lips, and hold our breath.

in the pursuit of our immortal happiness."

why, hello there

Moving to New York City and starting a blog, I wonder how many 24 year old girls have done that? I've always been a writer- even wrote a manuscript, that I put down and forgot to try and get published.
Not to mention after moving to this city the "expert advice" I was giving in my book felt lacking when I couldn't get the job done following my own advice here. It's called " The Target; A guide to the perfect night out", that's what I used to be a pro at- dating.
For two years I really didn't want anything else. Then there was this boy.
Why is it every time I write that sentence down I hear a static in my head. He broke me, it took two years and a move 1045 miles away from all of my family and friends to be able to sit at brunch with my first new girl friend and over french toast and mimosa the denial slipped off the table and I said it.
I'm broken.

Waking up. That was the reason I moved to New York. I woke up in a city I didn't belong to. I knew the streets, the tricks, the treats, the way around a "perfect night" but it always felt like a Holiday- not like a life.

Six months later here I sit in front of this screen ready to tell me story.
My name is Carmen Murphy, my friends back home call me Car, and I sign my name
xoxo csm
CarStar Murphy*

Hey.